#GotFiredBecause

@midnight #GotFiredBecause my boss, Mr. Cowell, didn't like me singing on the job.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 6, 2016

@midnight #GotFiredBecause i misinterpreted what "blue shirt and tan khakis" meant.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 6, 2016

@midnight #GotFiredBecause apparently kids aren't actually for sale in the "kids aisle." Who knew?
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 6, 2016

@midnight #GotFiredBecause even though i won the nomination, the system is rigged!
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 6, 2016

@midnight #GotFiredBecause people were uncomfortable with "drag-theme Thursdays."
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 6, 2016

@midnight #GotFiredBecause i didn't get enough points.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 6, 2016

@midnight #GotFiredBecause stupid Chris @hardwick eliminated me!
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 6, 2016

@midnight #GotFiredBecause apparently "the hiring process" is a REAL thing.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 6, 2016

@midnight #GotFiredBecause nobody likes Christmas songs in July.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 6, 2016

@midnight #GotFiredBecause i summoned Cthulu on my lunch break. Didn't go well.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 6, 2016

@midnight #GotFiredBecause customer service is not "optional."
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 6, 2016

#DrunkBooks

@midnight #DrunkBooks The Fault In Our Bars
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 7, 2016

@midnight #DrunkBooks The Shree Mushkateersh
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 7, 2016

#HistoricalSongs

@midnight #HistoricalSongs Talkies Killed The Silent Film Star
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 8, 2016

@midnight #HistoricalSongs We Built This City on Rocks And The Backs Of Peasants
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 8, 2016

@midnight #HistoricalSongs Magic Stagecoach
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 8, 2016

@midnight #HistoricalSongs Happiness Is A Warm Spear
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 8, 2016

@midnight #HistoricalSongs Pleistocenes From An Italian Restaurant
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 13, 2016

#OverheardAtRNC

@midnight #OverheardAtRNC My ears hurt.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 20, 2016

@midnight #OverheardAtRNC Ben Carson is black, but he's not, like, OBAMA black.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 20, 2016

@midnight #OverheardAtRNC Could you tell me where the Mordor delegates are sitting?
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 20, 2016

@midnight #OverheardAtRNC Trump says what we're all thinking! We'd like to bang his wife.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 20, 2016

@midnight #OverheardAtRNC We're the party of Lincoln! And Ford! And, um... Mercury!
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 20, 2016

@midnight #OverheardAtRNC Lincoln only freed the slaves because of pressure from the liberal media.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 20, 2016

@midnight #OverheardAtRNC Honey? Does this misogyny make my wife-beater look fat?
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 20, 2016

@midnight #OverheardAtRNC Well, you know, it's these Milanian immigrants that are taking our jobs.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 20, 2016

@midnight #OverheardAtRNC I can't wait to find out who we get to hate next!
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 20, 2016

@midnight #OverheardAtRNC I can't see over Chris Christie's lunch table.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 20, 2016

@midnight #OverheardAtRNC Hillary's name starts with H, just like Hitler.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 20, 2016

#CrappyCompliments

@midnight #CrappyCompliments Wow, you look just like Chris @hardwick !
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 21, 2016

@midnight #CrappyCompliments You're cute. Not like dead pig cute, but cute!
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 21, 2016

@midnight #CrappyCompliments Seriously, you're the hottest woman in this police car.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 21, 2016

@midnight #CrappyCompliments I love the way your eyes look in two different directions like that.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 21, 2016

@midnight #CrappyCompliments You complete me. Ever since i lost my legs i've been looking for a new pair. Yours will do.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 21, 2016

@midnight #CrappyCompliments Wow, that little red laser-sight dot on your forehead makes you look so sexy!
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 21, 2016

@midnight #CrappyCompliments You're the best thing that's ever happened to me... except for lyme disease. That was awesome!
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 21, 2016

@midnight #CrappyCompliments Mmmmm... you smell like turtle musk.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 21, 2016

@midnight #CrappyCompliments How do i love thee? Let me count the ways... um, uh... hang on...
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 21, 2016

@midnight #CrappyCompliments There's nothing i like better than the smell of burning flesh, especially yours!
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 21, 2016

#ApocalypseResolutions

@midnight #ApocalypseResolutions I'm gonna get my G.E.D.! (Gangrenous Eel Dick)
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 22, 2016

@midnight #ApocalypseResolutions Go to the Jim more. He's our leader. He tells me who to kill and eat.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 22, 2016

@midnight #ApocalypseResolutions Accept that saying "All Mutants Matter" is kinda racist. #AllMutantsMatter
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 22, 2016

@midnight #ApocalypseResolutions Update my facebook more. That's this big book that i have which has people's actual faces pasted into it.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 22, 2016

#ComicConIn5Words

@midnight #ComicConIn5Words Not here for the comics
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 26, 2016

@midnight #ComicConIn5Words Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 26, 2016

#OverheardAtDNC

@midnight #OverheardAtDNC My latte tastes like grief
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 27, 2016

@midnight #OverheardAtDNC Did you say shemales? Oh... emails.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 27, 2016

@midnight #OverheardAtDNC Bernie or Busta Rhymes!
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 27, 2016

@midnight #OverheardAtDNC This is great! What are we booing for this time?
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 27, 2016

@midnight #OverheardAtDNC You'll be happy to know that all of the hookers are now soy-free.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 27, 2016

#MotherhoodMovies

@midnight #MotherhoodMovies Eat, Pray, Love, Give Birth, Raise, Nag, Let Go
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 28, 2016

@midnight #MotherhoodMovies Can't Hardly Wait 'til Your Father Gets Home
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 28, 2016

@midnight #MotherhoodMovies Star Trek: Into Darkness Because My Lazy Son Won't Change A Lightbulb.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 28, 2016

@midnight #MotherhoodMovies Battlefield Birth
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 28, 2016

@midnight #MotherhoodMovies National Lampoon's Gestation
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 28, 2016

@midnight #MotherhoodMovies In The Teat Of The Night
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 28, 2016

@midnight #MotherhoodMovies Sid & PregNancy
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 28, 2016

@midnight #MotherhoodMovies Triple-X-Chromosomes
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 28, 2016

@midnight #MotherhoodMovies Mothering Heights
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 28, 2016

#HeatWaveIn4Words

@midnight #HeatWaveIn4Words Overdose of American flab
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 29, 2016

@midnight #HeatWaveIn4Words Baseball uniforms now speedos
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 29, 2016

@midnight #HeatWaveIn4Words Frisbees melt in flight
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 29, 2016

@midnight #HeatWaveIn4Words It's a DRY inferno.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 29, 2016

@midnight #HeatWaveIn4Words Hey look! Four horsemen!
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 29, 2016

@midnight #HeatWaveIn4Words Global warming conspiracy TRUE!
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 29, 2016

@midnight #HeatWaveIn4Words Wildfires in Central Park
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 29, 2016

@midnight #HeatWaveIn4Words Uncountable breast implant failures
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 29, 2016

#TimeTravelerProblems

@midnight #TimeTravelerProblems Walking in on your teenaged self.
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 31, 2016

@midnight #TimeTravelerProblems Bringing the right power adapter
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 31, 2016

@midnight #TimeTravelerProblems The black plague
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 31, 2016

@midnight #TimeTravelerProblems Making a Simpsons reference before the show went on the air
— Adam Ford (@Puttyhead) July 31, 2016